some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
