Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
