I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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