dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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