the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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