just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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