I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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