I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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