I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
