I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
