I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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