even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize