How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
