how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
