I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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