I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
