When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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