There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
