I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
