it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
