I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
