guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
she pinky promised me she was 18
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
