Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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