Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
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i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
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Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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