i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
