If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
