shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
