I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
