And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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