I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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