new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
