She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
