Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
