It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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