I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
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The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
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god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?