There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.