I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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