last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
