nut hugger
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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