imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
