New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
