i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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