Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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