do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
