First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
