the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
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whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?