omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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