apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
