I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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