he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
