He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
