I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
