My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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