woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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