I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
