If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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