Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
